First it's announced that Courtney Cox and David Arquette are separating after 11 years of marriage, and then we hear that Christina Aguilera and her husband of nearly 5 years announced their separation today as well!
Watching HLN's Showbiz Tonight (as I sometimes do for Hollywood news and gossip), they were just talking about the Arquette split, playing clips of David Arquette on Howard Stern where he admitted that he's changed since they first met 16 years ago - he's not as charming as he was back then, he's gotten more mellow, etc and that their sex life isn't as active as it once was.Hello! People change over the years - it's a fact! No one stays the same way they are the beginning of a relationship - that's why they refer to it as "the honeymoon period."
I keep having to explain this to my teenage sister, as she complains that the guys she dates all start out sweet, caring, overly romantic and they can't seem to get enough of each other and then suddenly, months down the road the guy decides he wants his space and doesn't want to spend every single day with her and isn't doing cute, sweet, romantic little things for her like he did earlier.
It's called nesting!
You get in a new relationship, things are fun and exciting - there's so much new to learn about the person (even if you've known them for years) and things feel so much different than they did in the previous relationship... but then the honeymoon period wears off and you start to nest. You don't need to to constantly impress or woo the person you're seeing anymore because you know they love you regardless (or at least by then they should) and you start to nest into a comfortable groove or routine - usually together and you grow from there.
I'm sure if you ask ANYONE who's been married for years - 5, 10, 20, 25... even 50! - and I'm pretty sure they'll tell you that they're not the same person they were all those years ago when they first started dating/courting or when they got married. I know I'm not the same person I was 2 years ago, or even 4 years ago when we first started dating - I've grown a little bit, hubby has too.
And the sex... not to get into details, but like one of the commentators on Showbiz tonight said, when you've been married for awhile AND you have kids, going a month without sex isn't uncommon! I'll admit, our sex life isn't quite as active as it once was and we've only been married 2 years. I have friends with multiple kids and I've heard that with work and taking care of the kids, especially when they're young, it's hard to make time for it and unless you think to make time for it, it often doesn't happen!
And regarding Christina and her husband, the reason behind their split?
Here's what US Magazine online reports:
“They were very much in love,” explains the insider. "But over the last six months, it became clear they were more like friends than husband and wife."
Um... what?! Forgive me if I'm wrong here, but isn't your spouse supposed to be your best friend in this world? The person you tell everything to, the person you trust with everything? The person you're closest with? Your faithful, loyal companion? I'd say your spouse is supposed to be your ultimate friend and companion!
So they're splitting because they seem to be more like best friends than husband and wife? I think that's a bit ridiculous! I'm curious to hear what their definition of husband and wife are...
Marriage is a lifetime commitment - for better or for worse. Unless something major happens in your marriage (ie: abuse, infidelity, etc) there is no excuse for throwing in the ball just because things aren't as sizzling, spicy, or romantic like they once were back in the day. Even in life, no one stays the same way forever!
So far, both couples have only separated, which means they're still legally together and there hasn't been talk (in the media at least) of divorce, so hopefully maybe these couples will be able to work out their issues and realize what marriage really is and that their alleged reasons for their separations are a bit stupid.
I really hope this isn't some publicity stunt though - Cox and Arquette are both co-starring in the upcoming Scream 4 which comes out this spring but is already getting some buzz; and Christina has a starring lead role in a major feature film (called Burlesque) due out in next month. Both couples have young kids - The Arquette's have a 6 year old daughter, while Christina and her husband have a 2 year old son. If this is some publicity stunt, shame on them for putting their kids through that for the sake of media coverage!
I couldn't agree more! I think it's ridiculous the way Hollywood treats marriage. It's like this thing that's not really a big deal, if suddenly it's not all fun and romance let's just toss it out. Makes me so angry.
ReplyDeleteI've been married for three years, and while some things have changed (especially, like you said, with the addition of our two children), we are still very much in love and make an EFFORT to be intimate and do romantic things for each other. It's not something that self-maintains. You have to work at it!
The only thing I disagree with, Rach, is that "feeling more like best friends than husband and wife" is a valid reason.
ReplyDeleteYes, your spouse should, in theory, be your best friend. But your best friend shouldn't necessarily be your spouse. Heck, Josh is one of my best friends, does that mean he and I should go out to California and get married? No. And remember back to before you fell in love with Josh, back when you were with Brett and Josh was just your best friend. Don't you feel something now that is greatly different from then? THAT is what they are talking about. The romance is gone, and I am not talking about "he brought her flowers just because" kinda romance. I am talking the actual romantic interest and love. If you no longer even consider your spouse to be of sexual or romantic interest anymore, it is, perhaps, time for a split (especially if you have kids) while you are still on good terms. The flip side is staying together (out of stubbornness for holding true to your commitment or for the kids or whatever reason) and ending up resenting each other and hating each other and fighting all the time. How is that even remotely healthy?
Shouldn't both parties be free to try to find happiness?
That wasn't why I broke up with Brett though - I broke up with him because, while he was a bit of an unmotivated lazyass from the beginning, I figured he'd eventually grow up and want to make something of his life, that he'd want to have a future... I broke up with him because I just couldn't see a future together with him anymore - it's kind of hard to take someone serious when they say they want to marry you "someday" when they're too lazy to go to class to finish their education to get the job they've always talked about or when they're too lazy to even go out and get a part-time job - living off mommy and daddy, how in the world did he expect to ever be able to get me a ring to propose with?! And obviously I made the right choice as he's, what, 28 now and still living at home with mom and dad, having been in one college or another for over a decade because he keeps failing out... at least he finally got a part-time job.
ReplyDeleteAnd the big difference is, we weren't married.
There's a different level of commitment between marriage and dating. With dating, if it's not working out, then you can easily leave. Marriage though takes work because it's a commitment you make in front of everyone and vows should be treated as something of importance. I've never heard of any marriage vows that include the line "for better or until the going gets tough..."
Maybe it's cuz I'm taking the viewpoint from being married myself, while yours is of the viewpoint of someone who hasn't been there yet.
Yes, everyone's entitled to happiness, but it seems some people (especially in Hollywood) just throw in the towel too quickly without even trying to get to the root of the problem and try to fix it - they just say "oh, well, things aren't all mushy and the same as they were 5 years ago... time to move on." If you can't be happy past the "honeymoon period" of a relationship then you're never going to be happy long-term in a life-long committed marriage because eventually that honeymoon period ends and you both begin to nest.
Couldn't agree with you more, Rachel
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